Not All Who Wanda Are Lost is the third episode of Fantasy High: Junior Year.
Intro[]
"Last episode, the Bad Kids, the premiere adventuring party of high school heroes from the Aguefort Adventuring Academy, once again saved the world. Put another W up on the board with the Night Yorb, sealed within a sick mural on top of Gorgug's van. But this dub was a little dustier than normal, and a 48-hour road trip, covered in blood, just kind of feeling it, just to puh-puh-puh-putter back into Elmville mere hours before the first day of junior year."
"Our Elven Oracle, archdevil, and risen saint got an impromptu birthday party with a hot birthday cake with some news: Adaine's sister had moved out during the long summer away, and Kristen Applebees got word from a returned Ragh Barkrock that there was some stuff going on with the ex, Tracker. We found out that Figueroth Faeth not only was being communicated with through eons of time from the distant past by her paramour on a road trip with Principal Arthur Aguefort, her father, through the beginnings of time, but we also found, I don't know, some weird accidents happening around the house. A little combat boot in a bucket of cement, and a strange, curdled feeling in the stomach."
"Speaking of strange, curdled feelings, Gilear Faeth and Hallariel Seacaster headed out on a vacation with a bunch of kisses for Fabian, having returned home to a retrofitted pirate ship mansion where now he dwells as the man of the house. Sort of a drafty place. Mother gone, father scouring the Nine Hells to eventually kill the Devil himself, and a strange sort of feeling at the beginning of junior year. Speaking of strange feelings, having broken his bed on collapse, Gorgug Thistlespring returned home to find some academic-stuffed envelopes for his desire to multiclass, of which his parents were very supportive, having designed the solar lasso that caught the Night Yorb, as well as a box of his stuff from ex-girlfriend's house with a nice hello and a thank you. ... But with a thick, stuffed envelope that Gorgug left on the desk to handle in the morning."
"Speaking of academic stress, Riz arrived back home to see his mom, having newly passed the bar exam as a public defender here in the town of Elmville, looking at her own conspiracy thing up on the board about the Frostyfaire Folk Festival, a kind of Sylvan jam band ... Sklonda's pension had sort of been snatched away from her by her former employer. And she kind of had to tell Riz that his grades, and not only his grades but his extracurriculars, were gonna be a big indicator of his possible future and what his horizons were. And across town, a conversation with Fig and Kristen was about their very near expulsion from the Aguefort Adventuring Academy."
"Without further ado, it is the first day of school at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy."
Synopsis[]
Riz is the first of the Bad Kids to arrive at school, biking there while incredibly caffeinated after having spent all night plotting how his friends can do well in their junior year. He's determined Fig just needs to go to the classes she's supposed to, whereas Kristen is failing badly because of the death of YES! and because she hasn't told the school she switched divinities. Fabian and Gorgug are doing well, both because of decent grades and their membership on the Owlbears bloodrush team, and just need to address their multiclassing via the MCAT test. Finally, Riz figures he and Adaine are in great shape because they're nerds. Riz also considers what colleges are potential options for the Bad Kids.
Kristen tries to skip school, but Adaine insists she attend. As Kristen and Fig drag their feet wasting time getting ready for school, Adaine jokingly casts friends to get them into Jawbone's car to go to Aguefort. On the way out, Lydia Barkrock gives them huge packed lunches, sized for Ragh, and Sandra Lynn and Fig discuss Fig's attendance problem. The Mordred trio arrive at school, where Riz hands Fig and Kristen huge packets on how to fix their academic issues. Riz and Adaine attempt to use reverse psychology to convince Fig to attend her classes by claiming the school doesn't want her to.
Gorgug puts together his homunculus servant, an archaeopteryx that repeats after him like a parrot and names itself Cloaca after Gorgug's thoughts "about bird stuff" while assembling it. His parents give him a ride to school while praising his homunculus and awkwardly being supportive of the name Cloaca. At Aguefort, Gorgug attempts to rename it "Chloe" for short, though everyone else ignores him. He then opens his academic letters, which mostly match up with Riz's packet but also include a rejection for pre-approval for multiclassing. Fabian arrives late and hungry, having struggled to provide breakfast for himself without servants, and he takes part of the Mordred kids' huge lunches.
The bell rings to start the day, and over the PA, sorcery teacher Jace Stardiamond announces himself as interim vice principal and Simeon du Vayne as the new lunch lad. As Fig remarks that he'll have "big shoes to follow," she nearly falls in a construction pit but is accidentally struck in the face by someone carrying gym equipment, knocking her out of her path. She tells the Bad Kids about the pact she made in the Night Yorb battle and how unlucky she's been since then.
Heading in the front doors, the Bad Kids meet Mazey Phaedra, a minotaur dancer bard, senior, and class president, who's working with Jawbone to sign people up for student government. In the interest of padding her resume, the Bad Kids encourage Kristen to sign up so she can run for class president next year, with Riz as her campaign manager. Also running for student government is Kipperlilly Copperkettle, to whom Kristen takes an immediate disliking. When asked who else is in her adventuring party, the Ratgrinders, she points out Ruben Hopclap, a gnomish emo bard surrounded by a crowd, whom the Bad Kids recognize as the artist behind the "song of the summer" Jawbone played on the radio on the way to school. Kipperlilly shares that she has aced junior year by finding the rogue professor, meaning she'll have all day all year to campaign on her platform of uniform equity under the rules without favoritism. Meanwhile, bonding over being dance bards, Mazey recommends Fabian talk to Terpsichore Skullcleaver, the department chair for dance bards, about multiclassing. She also suggests that the senior class is looking for a new party house, flirtatiously approaching him about Seacaster Manor, and pointing out this would also help with Riz and Kristen's political aspirations.
Interim vice principal Jace Stardiamond introduces the school to Interim Emergency Backup Principal Arcturus Grix, a warforged in a suit jacket, presumably spellcaster, whose lower half is just a rolling ball instead of legs. Grix explains he was created by Arthur Aguefort to enact "perfect adventuring order" with strict bureaucracy and rules. The Bad Kids push back on this, and Grix casts time stop to interrupt the rebellion and place the students in a single-file line on the way to class.
Fig casts disguise self on herself to look like an emo girlie, so she can go to bard classes incognito to try to get in with Ruben. Riz and Adaine, though, point out she wouldn't get credit for attending in disguise, but Fig decides to steamroll ahead and name her new persona Wanda Childa instead.
Before barbarian class, Gorgug approaches Porter Cliffbreaker about his rejected multiclass form. Porter tells Gorgug his performance in barbarian classes is so strong that multiclassing would not hurt his performance, but that artificing is not compatible with the rage of a barbarian. Gorgug says that's why he wanted to attend artificer classes, to find a way to bridge that gap. Porter asks how Gorgug's rage was able to defeat the Night Yorb, and Gorgug says he actually sealed it away with magic, not with his rage, and is too distracted by Porter's handling of Chloe to demonstrate how he uses jump in battle. Porter refuses to approve the multiclass and tells Gorgug he must transfer out of barbarian class altogether if he wants to pursue artificing.
Fig attempts to escort Fabian to bard class, but having never been there herself, she drops him off by accident at wizard class with Adaine's teacher, Tiberia Runestaff. He eventually gets to Terpsichore Skullcleaver's class, a magically scuffed-up dance studio with only like six students taught by an ancient little half-orc with a Richard Simmons curly hairdo. Fabian impresses her and the other students with a fluid improvised dance routine. Calling him "baby boy," Ms. Skullcleaver welcomes him into his multiclass and fills out his paperwork, but is alarmed about his home situation when he mentions his trash bag sandwich. She urges him to take his nutrition and rest seriously, telling him this will not be a year of partying since he needs to take care of his body.
Riz unsuccessfully attempts to sneak a peek at Kipperlilly's student government paperwork, but Jawbone catches him. While Mazey walks Kristen through the paperwork, Jawbone questions Riz about whether he sees something of himself he doesn't like in Kipperlilly. Riz denies it, saying he just wanted info on the rogue professor. Jawbone hints that Kipperlilly didn't actually find the rogue professor -- it may have actually been the other way around. He says he felt it was fair to share since Kipperlilly had asked him about Kristen and YES!.
As she fills out the paperwork, Kristen sees her parents drop off her younger brother, Bucky, who is a freshman this year. Kristen is strongly upset by their aggressive chiding of Bucky, and she walks out to confront them. Just as she stoically greets them, Cassandra tries to talk to her, but Kristen snaps at her. The rejection seems to harm Cassandra, who says, "Fine, I'll make new followers." Meanwhile, Bucky happily embraces Kristen, and she shoos away their parents while needling them about Helio's apparent absence during the summer of night under the Night Yorb.
On the way to class, Adaine passes out campaign buttons pulled out of the Jacket of Useful Things. Her teacher, Tiberia Runestaff, warns that the stress of junior year threatens to drive her students to madness as the coursework escalates to exactingly demanding spells -- the first of which requires ludicrously expensive ritual components such as 10 barrels of diamonds. Adaine, no longer rich, questions how she's supposed to afford this, and Ms. Runestaff dismisses the concern. Adaine decides she won't ask Jawbone about it and will instead text Aelwyn.
Fig goes to bard music class, taught by Lucilla Lullaby, a pale blue, softspoken fey woman. Fig introduces herself as Wanda Childa and sits next to Ruben, using prestidigitation to make herself smell like cigarettes and peach schnapps to try to appeal to the emo bard. Lucilla points out Wanda isn't on her roster, and Fig says she just wandered in, which Lucilla calls trespassing. Fig leaves, continuing to flirt with Ruben on the way out. In the hallway, Fig encounters Jace Stardiamond leading Agent Cuspin Clark, an aarakocra from the Council of Chosen who is here to help with Elmville's truancy problem. He mentions his previous job was a missing persons report at 22 Hilda Boulevard. Fig skateboards away, then doubles back to sit under a window, drop her disguise, and listen to bard class. Lucilla notices her and urges her into the classroom, where she notices Ruben's crystal pings with a notification from Lola Embers.
At the start of cleric class, Kristen's teacher, Yolanda Badgood, an air genasi with a wispy air hairdo, immediately tells her to see her after class. Kristen admits she never received the mailed warnings about her grades because they were sent to her parents' address, but that she has a new god and is struggling with how to proceed. Kristen asks if there's a test or book on "what god is right for me", saying that while she has a really good one, she also "feels kinda like, 'Leave me alone!'" about her thanks to the pressure from being her only follower. Ms. Badgood tells her the rules allow Kristen to change divinities as many times as she wants, but that all gods have an important truth to them, and perhaps Kristen would make progress standing still and sitting with her current divinity. Kristen tells her it's Cassandra, goddess of unknown, mystery, and doubt, a "hard sell." Kristen admits being jealous of Tracker's sexy, newly popular religion, but Ms. Badgood reassures her that there is a place for the unknown and recommends Kristen attempt earnest connection with Cassandra this week before deciding whether to change divinities.
Kristen goes into one of the cleric class prayer rooms and meditates to mentally enter Cassandra's realm. She pictures herself walking through the forest of Sylvaire under a brilliant, darkness-banishing full moon, where she finds Cassandra sobbing. Cassandra flinches at Kristen's touch and tells her Craig has followed Wolfsong Revival on social media. "I don't want to end up floating in the Astral Realm," she cries. Kristen tries to reassure her, but can't help splitting her focus with her student government campaign. Cassandra says she can't rely on Kristen, pointing out that the common factor in Kristen's religious struggles is Kristen, not Cassandra. Kristen suggests finding someone more organized to help counterbalance her chaos and manage the religion, and Cassandra says she already did out of anger and loneliness. She blames Kristen for killing YES! and almost killing her, so she's created a friend to help. Kristen questions what this means, and a black cat fades into view in Cassandra's lap and says, "Hi, Kristen."
Locations[]
Characters[]
The Bad Kids[]
New[]
- Cloaca
- Mazey Phaedra
- Kipperlilly Copperkettle
- Principal Arcturus Grix
- Tiberia Runestaff
- Terpsichore Skullcleaver
- Ruben Hopclap
- Lucilla Lullaby
- Agent Cuspin Clark
- Yolanda Badgood
Returning[]
- Lydia Barkrock
- Sandra Lynn Faeth
- Jawbone O'Shaughnessey
- Wilma and Digby Thistlespring
- Jace Stardiamond
- Porter Cliffbreaker
- Bucky Applebees
- Mac and Donna Applebees
- Cassandra
- Kalina
Mentioned[]
- Wretchrot
- Cathilda Ceíli
- Gilear Faeth
- Hallariel Seacaster
- The Rogue Teacher
- Balthazar
- Simeon du Vayne
- Arthur Aguefort
- Ayda Aguefort
- Kalvaxus
- Jem Peppercorn
- Sklonda Gukgak
- Ecaf
- Henry Hopclap
- Corsica Jones
- The Night Yorb
- Helio
- Bud Cubby
- Aelwyn Abernant
- Lola Embers
- Craig
- YES?
Clips[]
